Don't Amputate My Penis (DAMP) Order

After reading a recent headline about a man who had his penis surgically removed with direct consent, a facebook friend sent out a request that no one allow a surgeon to amputate his penis without his consent.  In order to help his cause, I have created the form below (modeled after the Kentucky Do Not Resuscitate Order).  I'm calling it the Kentucky "Don't Amputate My Penis" (DAMP) Order.

Kentucky Emergency Medical Services

Don’t Amputate My Penis (DAMP) Order

Person's Full Legal Name _______________________________________________________________

Surrogate's Full Legal Name (if applicable) _________________________________________________

I, the undersigned person or surrogate who has been designated to make health care decisions in accordance with Kentucky Revised Statutes, hereby direct that in the event of my unconsciousness that this DON’T AMPUTATE MY PENIS (DAMP) ORDER be honored. I understand that DAMP means that if my penis appears to have morphed into cancerous cauliflower, no medical procedure to remove my vegetable penis will be started by surgical personnel. 

I understand this decision will not prevent medical personnel from providing other medical care that does not involve the removal of my penis.

I understand that I may revoke this DAMP order at any time by destroying this form, removing the DAMP

bracelet, or by telling the surgical personnel that I want my penis to be amputated.

Any attempt to alter or change the content, names, or signatures on the DAMP form shall make the DAMP form invalid.

I understand that this form, or a standard DAMP bracelet must be available and must be shown to surgical personnel immediately. If the form or bracelet is not provided, the surgical personnel will follow their normal penis-amputating protocols.

I understand that should I die, surgical personnel will require this form and/or bracelet for their records.

I give permission for information about this DAMP Order to be given to the pre-hospital emergency

medical care personnel, physicians, nurses, or other health care personnel as necessary to implement this directive.

I hereby state that this Don’t Amputate My Penis (DAMP) Order is my authentic wish not be amputated.

_______________________________________

Person/Legal Surrogate Signature

________________________________

Date

Commonwealth of Kentucky County of ________________________

Subscribed and sworn to before me by ________________________________ to be his/her own free act and deed, this _________ day of ___________________________, 20_________.

___________________________________, Notary Public

My commission expires: __________________________

In lieu of having this Form notarized, it may be witnessed by two persons not related to the

individual noted above.

WITNESSED BY:

1. __________________________________________________

2. __________________________________________________

Stalker Appreciation

DISCLAIMER:  Stalking is a serious issue.  This blog about stalking is not.

I love my stalker.  Yes, that’s right.  Love her.  To pieces.

I think stalking gets a bad rap mainly because most stalkers are bad at the art of stalking. 

My stalker, though friendly and helpful, meets the legal definition of stalking.  To prove my point, let’s refer to Kentucky Revised Statute 508.130:

To "stalk" means to engage in an intentional course of conduct:

1. Directed at a specific person or persons;

2. Which seriously alarms, annoys, intimidates, or harasses the person or persons; and

3. Which serves no legitimate purpose.

The course of conduct shall be that which would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial mental distress.

My stalker (let’s call her ‘Emily’) meets all of the above criteria.  Her conduct is directed at me, I often find it alarming (when, for instance, she texts me about what my wife is doing in our yard at the moment), and it serves no legitimate purpose. 

Additionally, ‘Emily’s’ behavior toward me lines up with 7 of the 10 Signs That You Are Being Stalked: 

• Lurking around your workplace or your neighborhood.  She volunteers at my place of work, and frequently drives by my house (even though I do not live on a through-street and she does not live on my street).
• Being watched.  Because of her frequent drive-bys, she can usually tell you when I’m at home, work, or elsewhere.
• Repeated phone calls.  Substitute “texts” for phone calls, and she meets this criteria.
• Inappropriate gifts.  She’s been known to leave unsolicited presents on my porch (in a box that looks like the one holding Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the movie Seven).
• Finding yourself in the position of needing to be rescued.  She has an uncanny ability to show up in public situations when I’m intoxicated and need a ride home.
• Internet stalking.  She pretty much “likes” everything I post on facebook.
• Cumulative unwanted contact of any kind.   Again, because of her frequent drive-bys, I can’t casually sit on my porch for fear of being judged for wearing socks-with-sandals or not wearing a bra.

I think I’ve made my case that ‘Emily’ is a legitimate stalker.  Why, then, do I not get a protective order against her?  Because she’s useful (and I’m pretty sure I could take her down in hand-to-hand combat).

Here are just a few of the benefits a good stalker can provide:

• He/she can serve as your go-to designated driver.
• He/she is often eager to buy your drinks, so he/she can feel useful by then giving you a needed ride home.   
• He/she can alert you to suspicious activity at your home and in your neighborhood when you are away.
• He/she can notify you when you have packages left on your porch by Fed-Ex, UPS, or USPS.
• He/she may leave you useful gifts on your porch.
• During social events in your home, he/she can alert other guests to where needed items are located (such as trash bags, cups, utensils, etc.), thus alleviating your stress as the host of the party.
• He/she can serve as your surrogate date to social events when your wife has to work.
• He/she can help you build cat furniture.

So, if you really want to stalk someone, make yourself useful.  And if you’re fortunate enough to find yourself with a quality stalker lurking in the bushes, make sure you treat her right.

Guns don't kill people...

There has been another mass shooting this morning – this time near the Empire State Building.  Some folks think this means we should enact stricter gun control laws, but I’m not so sure guns are the problem. 

According to a survey of inmates in state and federal corrections facilities in 1997, about 80% of incarcerated offenders who had a gun acquired it from family, friends, a street buy, or an illegal source.  If criminals are not getting their guns through legal channels, making it harder to purchase a gun legally won’t really do much to solve the problem.

Perhaps we need to look past guns.

In 2006, firearms were used in 68% of all homicides in the United States.  That’s a pretty significant percentage, so I’m not at all downplaying the role played by guns.  But, I think this is a more telling statistic:  Between 1980 and 2008, 90% of all homicides in the United Stated were committed by men. 

Maybe the NRA is right.  Guns don’t kill people. 

But men sure do.

I think it’s time for us to spend less time talking about gun control and more time talking about hegemonic masculinity, the culture of violence, and patriarchy if we want to get to the root of the problem. 

If not, I’m buying guns for all the women in my life this Christmas.