I Am Not Who You Think I Am

I am not who you think I am.  Or at least I’m afraid I’m not.

I recently mentioned that I’m seeing a therapist now.  Unfortunately, I let thinks get pretty dark before I sought out those services.  I think I kept putting it off because, rationally, I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling anxious and depressed.  Objectively, my life is fantastic – I have a great partner; I love my job; I have a home; I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck.  Life is good.  So why in the hell have I been feeling so bad?

During my first or second session with my therapist, I tearfully mentioned feeling like a fraud.  This prompted her to introduce me to a concept with which I was unfamiliar:  impostor syndrome.  As soon as she mentioned that Jodie Foster is an impostor syndrome sufferer, my interest was piqued.  She gave me an article about it at our next session, and I immediately purchased a couple of books about the topic:  The Impostor Phenomenon: Overcoming the Fear that Haunts Your Success by Pauline Clance (who pioneered the concept) and Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Valerie Young.

The more I read, the more I began to understand why I’ve relapsed into depression and anxiety at this juncture in my life.  

 

Young describes impostor syndrome thusly:  “At its heart, the impostor syndrome, refers to people who have a persistent belief in their lack of intelligence, skills, or competence.  They are convinced that other people’s praise and recognition of their accomplishments is undeserved………Unable to internalize or feel deserving of their success, they continually doubt their ability to repeat past successes.  When they do succeed they feel relief rather than joy.”

Young continues:  “Rationally you would think success would alleviate feelings of fraudulence.  The more successful you are, the more evident it is that you really do know what you’re doing.  But for you the opposite happens.  Instead of reducing the pressure, success only makes it worse because now you have a reputation to defend.  Instead of being cause for celebration, things like praise, financial rewards, and status can feel oppressive.  You think, Now they’ll expect me to be that good every time – and I have no idea how I pulled it off the first time………So instead of basking in your achievement, you live in fear that your ineptness will finally be discovered and that you will be humiliated or worse.  Because you’re convinced that each new endeavor will be your undoing, your run-up to each test, presentation, or challenge brings tremendous anxiety and self-doubt.”

I honestly cannot recall a time in my life when I have not had these kinds of intense feels.  Even in elementary school, I kept waiting for each new grade level to be my undoing.  Sure I was top of my class in 2^nd grade, but I bet my 3^rd grade teacher will immediately see what an idiot I am.  No matter how much academic success I accumulated, I kept waiting to be discovered as a fraud.   No matter how much I have achieved, no matter how much people seem to like me, I always feel like it’s just a matter of time until the truth that I’m a horrible, idiotic person is discovered.  After two master’s degrees and a flourishing personal life, I still find it nearly impossible to say, “Yes, I am a smart, decent human being.”  Even when I can rationally point to something good, I can always qualify it and discredit it.  

Given the framework of the impostor syndrome, it makes perfect sense to me that my anxiety and depression have sky-rocketed.  In the past few years, I started a new job that has inadvertently sent me on this downward slope.  Prior to that, I hid out a job for several years that, objectively, was probably beneath my qualifications and failed to utilize my full potential.  At my current job, I quickly became viewed as competent.  I’ve been promoted and credited for my good work, but I don’t see anything special about what I do.  I just do my job.  The praise and credit has made me feel like I have to constantly live up to this standard, and the smallest mistake might make me lose it all.  I’ve even told my boss he pays me too much.  Who on earth says something like that?  My job has given me more financial resources and security than I’ve ever had before.  My partner and I have been able to buy a house and maintain an emergency savings that could support us for at least 4 months without cutting any expenses if we found ourselves jobless.  Suze Orman would be proud; but I’m just terrified. 

Because of the current stability in my life, I have more to lose than ever.  In the past, I would have simply taken a psychological blow if someone realized I was a fraud.  Now, I could lose all of the things I’ve struggled for my entire life:  a great partner, a great job, respect, financial security.  Rather than enjoy the spoils of my efforts, I’ve been living in terror that someone or something will realize that I do not deserve any of it.  Do you have any idea how tiring that is?

I’m trying to start small and change the tapes that play in my head.   So let me end with this affirmation:

I is smart.  I is kind.  I is important.  I is in therapy.