Stalker Appreciation

DISCLAIMER:  Stalking is a serious issue.  This blog about stalking is not.

I love my stalker.  Yes, that’s right.  Love her.  To pieces.

I think stalking gets a bad rap mainly because most stalkers are bad at the art of stalking. 

My stalker, though friendly and helpful, meets the legal definition of stalking.  To prove my point, let’s refer to Kentucky Revised Statute 508.130:

To "stalk" means to engage in an intentional course of conduct:

1. Directed at a specific person or persons;

2. Which seriously alarms, annoys, intimidates, or harasses the person or persons; and

3. Which serves no legitimate purpose.

The course of conduct shall be that which would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial mental distress.

My stalker (let’s call her ‘Emily’) meets all of the above criteria.  Her conduct is directed at me, I often find it alarming (when, for instance, she texts me about what my wife is doing in our yard at the moment), and it serves no legitimate purpose. 

Additionally, ‘Emily’s’ behavior toward me lines up with 7 of the 10 Signs That You Are Being Stalked: 

• Lurking around your workplace or your neighborhood.  She volunteers at my place of work, and frequently drives by my house (even though I do not live on a through-street and she does not live on my street).
• Being watched.  Because of her frequent drive-bys, she can usually tell you when I’m at home, work, or elsewhere.
• Repeated phone calls.  Substitute “texts” for phone calls, and she meets this criteria.
• Inappropriate gifts.  She’s been known to leave unsolicited presents on my porch (in a box that looks like the one holding Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the movie Seven).
• Finding yourself in the position of needing to be rescued.  She has an uncanny ability to show up in public situations when I’m intoxicated and need a ride home.
• Internet stalking.  She pretty much “likes” everything I post on facebook.
• Cumulative unwanted contact of any kind.   Again, because of her frequent drive-bys, I can’t casually sit on my porch for fear of being judged for wearing socks-with-sandals or not wearing a bra.

I think I’ve made my case that ‘Emily’ is a legitimate stalker.  Why, then, do I not get a protective order against her?  Because she’s useful (and I’m pretty sure I could take her down in hand-to-hand combat).

Here are just a few of the benefits a good stalker can provide:

• He/she can serve as your go-to designated driver.
• He/she is often eager to buy your drinks, so he/she can feel useful by then giving you a needed ride home.   
• He/she can alert you to suspicious activity at your home and in your neighborhood when you are away.
• He/she can notify you when you have packages left on your porch by Fed-Ex, UPS, or USPS.
• He/she may leave you useful gifts on your porch.
• During social events in your home, he/she can alert other guests to where needed items are located (such as trash bags, cups, utensils, etc.), thus alleviating your stress as the host of the party.
• He/she can serve as your surrogate date to social events when your wife has to work.
• He/she can help you build cat furniture.

So, if you really want to stalk someone, make yourself useful.  And if you’re fortunate enough to find yourself with a quality stalker lurking in the bushes, make sure you treat her right.