A Divorcee's Guide to Becoming a Lesbian

Are you a recent divorcee?  Are you stuck with a couple of kids?  Are you tired of men?

Then lesbianism may be right for you!

If you’re considering a major change in lifestyle, you may have a few questions and concerns.  If so, please read the FAQ below.

It’s been so long since I’ve dated.  How should I dress to attract a quality lesbian mate?

Dress just like you do now.  No need for make-up or uncomfortable shoes.  Any old pair of ill-fitting mom jeans and a puffy down vest will do the trick.  If you’re still at a loss, just wear whatever your husband used to wear while changing the oil in your minivan. 

I’ve heard lesbians have a tendency to rush into serious relationships.  What if my children get attached to a lesbian and then I decide to be straight again?

Yes, lesbians love serious relationships.  Any lesbian worthy of the label keeps U-Haul on speed-dial.  But you have to remember, lesbians do not behave like other sexualities.  Lesbians never really break up.  Sure, lesbians break up, move out, and start new relationships.  But once you’ve slept with a lesbian, you’re bonded to her for life.  Even if you’re a horrible ass-hat of a human being, the lesbian who breaks up with you will continue to hold on to you like a piece of trash in a hoarder’s house.  Her brain may tell her you’re useless and she should throw you away, but her damn irrational woman-heart just won’t let her.   Even if you go back to your ex-husband, she’ll always be there to teach your kids to play sports, help you re-roof your house, or give you a kidney. 

I’m tired of men and want a change.  But I’m just not sure I can touch another lady’s “parts”?

This is definitely the ickiest hurdle on your straight-to-gay path.  But remember, it’s temporary.  As a heretofore straight person, you may not be familiar with lesbian bed death.  You see, every lesbian relationship eventually devolves into communal sisterhood.  If you can live through six months of lesbian sex, you’ll never have to do it again.  For lesbians, sex is like a fever at the beginning of an illness:  it runs high and fast but breaks quickly.  You’ll be back to your old sex-free routine in no time. 

In the off chance you end up paired with a high-testosterone butch, it may take longer for bed death to set in.  But never fear.  With a high-testosterone butch, all you really have to do is lay back and enjoy your role as “pillow princess”.   And you can always tape a poster of your favorite male celebrity to the ceiling to get you through those hard times.

If you have additional questions about becoming a lesbian, please submit them to:  butchycrocker@gmail.com