Need Affordable Healthcare? Grow a Tail.

Yesterday, my wife dropped our two young cats off at the vet to get spayed.  Our vet keeps animals overnight for observation with this procedure, so we picked them up from the vet this morning.

As I typically do, I reviewed our bill from the vet.  It cost us $124 to spay one cat.  Here's what we got for $124:

• Anesthesia
• An ovariohysterectomy
• Pain medications during surgery
• Medications for post-surgery pain
• Overnight care

So, basically, we got a hysterectomy and a 24 hour hospital stay for $124.

This begs the question:  Why the hell is healthcare for humans so damned expensive?

The cost for a human hysterectomy is typically $8,000 - $10,000.  That means it costs at least 65 times more for a human hysterectomy than an animal hysterectomy. 

Back in 2008, our shih tzu, Lexi, mysteriously punctured her eye.  Our regular vet performed emergency surgery to save her eye by suturing her cornea and covering it with a conjuctival flap.  She stayed in the hospital for 3 days.  The surgery, hospitalization, and all medications cost us $360.80.

The average cost of a day of inpatient hospital care for humans in Kentucky is around $1,500.   If Lexi had been human, her hospital say alone would have cost $4,500.

I'm not saying that the cost to treat humans should be as low as it is to treat animals.  But the gap in cost should not be so wide.  Humans are animals, after all.  Vets and doctors use many of the same basic medications and procedures.

The next time I'm sick or need surgery, I think I'm going to borrow a tail from my ex-husband and go to my vet instead of my doctor.  It couldn't hurt to try, right?

Low T

Maybe I've been watching too many late night infomercials, but I think I might be suffering from low T.  Over the past few months, I've found myself suffering from increased empathy. caring, and emotionality.  I've had multiple friends express concerns about my loss of butch vigor and credibility.  During the past 24 hours, though, it's become abundantly clear to me that I have a problem.

Currently, the wife and I are dog-sitting for our best friends.  They brought them over yesterday evening before leaving town.  The wife worked last night, so I was left to care for the dogs myself.  We have a two-story home, and one of the dogs has health problems that prevent her from going upstairs.  As bedtime drew near, I started feeling bad about going upstairs and leaving the dogs alone downstairs on their first night with us.  So what did I do?  I grabbed a pillow and blanket and slept on the couch in the living room, with one of the dogs sleeping on my feet and one of our cats sleeping on my chest. 

Then, this evening after work, I felt the sudden, overwhelming urge to go shopping for hair products and scented candles for myself.  And I did.

If this behavioral and emotional trend continues, I'm afraid I'll be wearing dresses by my next birthday.   

I think I'm on the verge of hitting bottom; my butch bottom.  Consider this my cry for help.  Is there a 12 step program for regaining your female masculinity?

 

Coffee vs. Food Stamps

I just spent $5.04 on a venti pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks.

In 2011, the average monthly food stamp benefit per recipient in KY was $127.60. That's $4.25 a day for food.

If you've ever spent more on one cup of coffee than a person on food stamps has to spend on a whole day of food and I hear you bitching about poor people living off the government, I will be inclined to punch you in the face.

Have a good weekend, y'all.

Too Porcine to Put to Death

Obesity leads to death, right?  Except, maybe, if you’re on death row.

I read an article this morning about Ohio death row inmate Ronald Post.  At 480 pounds, his legal defense is trying to avoid execution, arguing that any attempt to kill him via lethal injection would likely result in a “torturous and lingering death.”  From everything I’ve read, his current physical state could be described as a torturous and lingering death.

 

Apparently, the “too fat to be executed” defense has worked on occasion in the past.  In 1994, Mitchell Rupe, at over 400 pounds, was considered too hefty to hang in the state of Washington due to the risk of decapitation.   

Ok.  Let’s start with the obvious.  I’m not sure if the gentlemen mentioned were obese at initial incarceration or if it happened gradually overtime.  I mean, college freshmen tend to pack on 15 pounds during their first year of college.  Since prison is at least ten times worse and even more expensive than college, maybe new inmates pack on 10 times the weight - or 150 pounds - during their first year of incarceration.  But how on earth does someone reach or maintain that kind of weight in prison?  What are they feeding these guys?  Are death row inmates given a weekly ration of a 25 pound bucket of lard and spoon?  

 

Let’s look at Mitchell Rupe.  He actually avoided being hanged and lived another 12 years before dying in prison.  Here’s my question, though:  Is being decapitated really a more cruel and unusual death than just being hanged?  Judicial hanging typically uses a long-drop method, so that the person falls fast enough and long enough to instantly break his neck at the end of the fall.  In this scenario, the person loses consciousness in about a second or so.  Brain death occurs a few minutes later, and the death process is complete in about 15 – 20 minutes.  With decapitation, the brain tends to lose its electrical charge and cease functioning in less than a minute.  Other than it causing a bloody mess, I’m not convinced that decapitation is worse than hanging.

And, finally, let’s get back to the current case of Ronald Post.  Ohio uses lethal injection as its means of judicial execution, but Mr. Post’s defense has argued that lethal injection is too difficult to administer to a man of his size.  For instance, they state that the execution gurney won’t support his weight.  Can’t they borrow a gurney from one of the bariatric surgery centers in nearby Columbus, OH?  They also argue that starting the IV and administering the correct dosage to kill him will be difficult.  These, too, are specious arguments.  If you’re not sure how much pentobarbital to give Mr. Post, just triple or quadruple the amount you gave to last guy you successfully executed and that should do the trick.  If you can’t find someone skilled enough to start an IV in him, call a freakin’ equine vet.  If an equine vet can successfully euthanized an 1,100 pound horse, I’m pretty sure he/she could take out a 480 murderer.   

 

Seriously.  If Texas can executive an intellectually disabled man with an IQ of 61, surely Ohio can figure out how to lethally inject a fat man.

 

If we fat people want social acceptance, we have to stop insisting on special treatment.  Man up, big boy, and take your punishment.

That being said, if his defense works, I'll totally remember to pack on another 150 pounds before planning a killing spree.  

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NOTE:  In all seriousness, I favor abolishing the death penalty (and not just for fat criminals).  For more information, check out the NCADP.